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THIS IS FOR THE BLEEPING BIRDS! - A Poopy Pigeon Poetry Interlude

Updated: 3 days ago


Ohhhhhhhh...I had forgotten about this poem I wrote!


Today I'm organizing the order in which I want to post the gobs of writing I've been regurgitating over the past couple months. Since I tend to forget all the things I've written if I'm not constantly looking at them, I went back through my old folders to make sure that I hadn't already firehosed some of the tales on my To Tell list.


Indeed, I had.


I also discovered a few long-forgotten gems like this one.


Early in 2017, my landlord picked a fight with me when he learned I was dating someone. Yes. He's one of THOSE types of landlords--only rents to single, hot females--which I did not know when I signed my lease. *shudder*


So, no shit, there I was! Faced with my second year in a row of an unexpected, unwanted midwinter move that needed to be completed in under 30 days. Out to the big apartment complex near the airport I went, because there were none of my favorite quaint little townhouses available on such short notice.


I really did love that apartment, as apartments go. It was pretty, functional, and well-maintained. I rarely glimpsed my neighbors and only heard them on game days. I had a gym, a fireplace, and two options for mermaid therapy, which I did around 9:30 p.m. all summer. Being nighttime, I also indulged in saving insects who had been lured by the light and lay a-wriggle on the surface, gurgling out their last in the path of my laps.


That's actually important, as an insight into my nature. Remember that HSP thing?


I even learned to come to terms with the constant sounds of the aircraft by enjoying the jet spectacles from my patio. Upon signing my lease, I had thought that planes and too-close neighbors would be the most unpleasant things to deal with.


Alas.


I had never lived in a place infested with pigeons before.


In September, I visited Colorado for nearly a month. When I arrived home, I strolled out with my coffee onto the deck one morning to enjoy my customary jet-show. A flurry of wings and feathers flew into my face. A pigeon alighted upon the end of my patio railing and stared me down.


Only then did I notice the nest she had made in the corner while I was gone. "Oh!" I said, spying the pair of eggs she had been keeping warm. "Excuse me."


I am a sucker for baby animals. As demonstrated above, I'm a sucker for living creatures in general, and my heart melted at the thought that I would get to watch the hatching of eggs from a rarely enjoyed vantage point--right up close on my own patio. So I retreated, leaving the space to my new winged neighbor and her impending children. Over the ensuing days, I peeked at the progress through my bedroom window and rejoiced with all the squeeee-ing when our little patchwork family had babies.


I had no fucking clue.


Once things became clear, it was week upon week of waiting for our poor, overwhelmed maintenance guy to come and deal with my patio.


By Halloween, those flockers had multiplied to such a creepy extent that I would duck (quickly!) under the stairwell railings and make my ascent home under their menacing watch. They lurked on the rooftops, congregated on my carport, and generally menaced us in a manner that reminded me of the one time I watched The Birds. (Never again.)


And thus do I give you a little poetry interlude to brighten your day.


(Or squick you.)


(Maybe both.)


--


FLIGHT CLUB

Bloody pidgeons

Every day

"Woobla-woobla" Go away! Wish I woulda Cracked your eggs In my pan Scrape the dregs Up with toast Break my fasty No idea You're so nasty! Shudder-nasty Dirty birds Sleeping, nesting In your turds Even (mother- fuckers, no!) When the twinsie Died, and so There you roosted There you shat On her corpse while You grew fat "Woobla-woobla" Day and night You just watch me Pick a fight I shall "booga!" I shall burst From my doors (You're the worst!) Scatter asshole- Neighbor-whores Smutting, rutting Ever-mores Egging, begging On my porch Really wish I Had a torch Wish I'd known what Plagues you are On my stairs and On my car On the landing On the stoop On the lightbulb Poop-poop-poop Never rest and Never wane I shall bang-bang On my pane 'Til your bird brains Get it though Or I bid this Place adieu.

Warning, friends, if You should spy Strange, sweet eggs--DON'T Let 'em lie On your porch

"Aw, mercy's sake..."

Poacher.

Scramble.

Fry.

Egg-bake.

~For Rebecca Kitt-Arnold 11/28/17



CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE

--UP NEXT: I'm still not sure which order I'm going to tell the next tales. I'll keep you posted.

--In the meanwhile, you can find all the other shenanigans here:

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