I believed them. That was the problem--I believed the wrong people.
Instead of listening to the ones who told me I was varied kinds of wonderful and absorbing the hum of those words into my being, envisioning the warmth of their smiles, and sinking into the loving ways they touched me...
I listened to the others.
Why was it so much easier to believe the bad stuff?
Because I swallowed those barbed hooks until I lived in a litany of repeat-rinse-repeat-rinse-repeat. I dunked myself in the waters of self-loathing all through my youth until I had grown a scaled tail and gills. By the time I reached adulthood I didn't even noticed that I lived submerged anymore.
But then someone pointed at the rays of sunlight slanting the through the murk. I followed it to the surface and found I could still breathe there. The air was pure and sweet, and the more times I have inhaled, the more quickly my lungs and pores are cleansed of sludgy oil-slick pollution. The fire in the light burns away the bullshit.
I still have my tail and gills. I have my thunder-kicking dancer's thighs, too. I can exist in both worlds, and when I yearn to dive down, to escape the brilliance of the sun and submerge myself in the refreshing hush of the deeps, I hear a different song now. I can sing it by heart most of the time.
THIS IS WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE.
I created this playlist last year after listening to an Abraham Hicks talk. One section stuck in my mind. Something about likening the thought patterns in our heads to listening to a radio station--that when we don't like the music playing, we can change the station. It was also suggested to listen to music that, instead of deepening the ruts of the crappy way we currently feel, to instead choose music that invokes HOW WE WANT TO FEEL and put THAT on repeat.
So I did.
I went onto Google and did a search for music about loving yourself, being yourself, and feeling good about who you are. From the many blog posts, playlists and forums I discovered, I created my own--and yeah. Listening to it reminds me how I truly want to feel.
So I do.